The Elephant In the Room (or How I Learned to Live With Uncertainty)

So, I work at a women’s clothing store. I am a casual and I work roughly 4 shifts a week. The other days I devote to working on a university degree, reading and writing enthusiastically (most of the time).
My boss, the manager of the store I work in, seems to be pregnant. ‘Seems to be’ are the key words in that sentence. I have heard no confirmation from herself and or anyone else. The only clue I have in this mystery is her suspiciously protruding belly and the suddenly careful way she moves around, bends over etc.
I have had this suspicion for a few weeks now. After she got back from a week of annual leave which was followed by myself having a week off, I saw her for the first time in awhile. She looked like she was having a baby. Unfortunately, the words ‘baby,’ ‘pregnant’ or ‘nauseous’ haven’t left her lips even once. So I am not 100% certain of this fact.
And the uncertainty is making me a little crazy. It is the big, pink elephant in the room that I desperately want to kill. However, a part of me wants this elephant to live. Why? I am afraid of confirming my suspicion, because my boss will inevitably have to leave the shop. Even if she comes back after a few months, there will have to be a replacement manager. And that person could be horrible.
Maybe that seems a little pessimistic, but I have not had the best luck when it comes to bosses who are nice and sane. I thought that I had hit the jackpot after I started working with my current manager. She is nice, calm and not prone to psychotic fits of rage (long story). Who could ask for anything more?
So, I am worried about this baby bump. It could be the difference between me having a casual, generally stress-free job or being enslaved to a psycho dictator who spits when they yell (another long story).
The other girls I work with share my suspicions of our boss’ condition. However, they do not seem too concerned. Clearly, they haven’t had the same torturous experiences that I have had, but their casualness bewilders me. Don’t they care? This is a big deal.
Or is it? Am I worrying about nothing? I don’t know.
I do know that this so far unbreached subject between my manager and me is getting a bit ridiculous. I so badly want to get it out in the open. This thing between us; it makes for much awkwardness and I provide enough of that already (too much).
But even if I knew one way or the other- what can I do? Until the replacement manager turns up and I meet them, I won’t know how to proceed. I won’t know whether I should stick around or bolt as fast as I can.
I don’t like uncertainty. I like resolutions and schedules. Things written down and carefully laid plans are what I prefer. Not indecision.
I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see into the future. Will I need to start looking for another job? Would I be better sticking around? Will I regret having a cheese and tomato sandwich for lunch?
So many questions…
Screw it. I’m going to go lose myself in a book.


A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear younger me,
Ahem. Not quite sure what to tell you. I don’t want to give too much away; I wouldn’t want a ‘Back to the Future’ situation in which I alter the course of history unintentionally.
Or do I? I don’t know. I guess I have to think about it for a bit. Do I have regrets? Definitely. Who doesn’t?
I regret cutting off contact with my friends after moving away. Maybe that’s an extreme description. I have a vague memory of writing letters for a while, but we just petered out. I guess I regret not trying harder to maintain the friendships from my school years. It won’t be until a few years have passed and you discover Facebook that you will get the chance to be reacquainted however slightly through social media. So, I guess I want you to try harder. I know it’s difficult, I know we moved a lot and it seemed futile to fight for friendships when we would just move away again. However, at some point we stopped and we settled. But I still didn’t try to make friends. I don’t know if I forgot how to or what. I think I had trouble shutting off that instinct that told me not to get close to people because inevitably I would lose them. It is still something I struggle with today. Maybe if I had tried to overcome it sooner, I would have more friends today.
I’m having a little trouble with pronouns seeing as I am talking to myself. Or a younger version of me. *waves awkwardly*
What other wisdom do I want to impart? Hmmm…
Don’t give up on your high school certificate because of all the work you’ve got and all the money that comes rolling in. You will end up regretting it and going back when you’re older to complete it. It’s less embarrassing to just do it when you’re supposed to and who knows where I’d be today if I’d stayed on that track?
Like I said, pronouns= difficult when talking to me/you.
What else? What else…
Spend more time with your family. They will not always be around to take for granted. Same goes with your pets. The average lifespan of an animal is in no way a guarantee for how long you can expect them to live.
Forgive and forget. Grudges require anger and energy and negativity. It’s exhausting to hold them and frankly, that effort could be used much more productively.
*Scratches head*
Ok, here is a bullet point list for brevity’s sake:
• Read more. Don’t be embarrassed because it seems like no one else you know likes books.
• Write more. See above.
• Get out more. See the world and experience new things.
• Try to eat better and get more exercise. You’ll be stuck with your body for awhile (hopefully) so treat it better.

So, that’s it from me. I hope things go well for you. Who knows? If you take any of the above advice, my life now just might change (hopefully for the better).


Happiness looks like my dog.
Happiness is a room full of books and no price stickers. It’s the smell of coffee and sugar.
Happiness is a new outfit that fits great, is comfortable and looks good.
Happiness is sitting in my reclining couch after a nine hour shift and having an episode of Law and Order start right then and there on Foxtel.
Happiness is a new obsession.
Happiness is a high word count, a blank page filled and mucho satisfaction.
Happiness is inspiration. It’s an idea for a story scrawled incomprehensibly on a post-it.
Happiness is the smell of rain, a cup of tea and a stack of books.
Happiness is stationery; lined books, pens, highlighters, pencils, diaries and post-it notes. It’s a new calendar for a new year.
Happiness is an early mark at work.
Happiness is the young March sisters from ‘Little Women.’
Happiness is doing what I want and getting paid for it.
Happiness looks like uncontrollable laughter and smiles.
Happiness looks like a package addressed to me waiting on the doorstep.
Happiness is jumping up and down as Jack White scorches the stage in front of me. It’s watching the White Stripes perform ‘Jolene’ for the first time.
Happiness is a chat with a friend.
Happiness is Princess Leia’s dirty hands and Han Solo’s cockiness.
Happiness is cinnamon toast.
Happiness looks like the characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in a musical.
Happiness is a family gathering.
Happiness is coffee-flavoured ice-cream.
Happiness is a fast-moving internet connection.
Happiness is a trip to a coffee shop with the family.
Happiness is a tall, dark and handsome man who thinks that happiness looks like the above.
Happiness is napping in the sun along with my cat.
Happiness is my dog singing.
Happiness looks like a to-do list with everything on it crossed out.
Happiness is fresh air, a little sun and a nice breeze.
Happiness looks like a holiday. Trips to the pool, shopping sprees and exploring.
Happiness is my cat acting like he likes me.
Happiness is a movie theatre growing dark and getting quiet before the film starts.

Is It Time for Lunch Yet?

3rd January, 2014
I’m only halfway through this day, but I wanted to get a jump on my tasks for today. I’ve almost finished my first Uni assessment. I’m just combing through it for grammatical errors and format errors.
I have to write a journal for my mum. She is a scrapbooker, which means she obsessively takes photographs and makes people write about the events in their lives to accompany the pictures in a scrapbook. Sigh. It shouldn’t take too long, at least.
I just brought a comic online. I was waiting for a page to load, got bored and the next thing I know, I’m going through the checkout on I bought ‘Fray’ written by Joss Whedon, creator of all things good in this world (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel the Series, Firefly etc.). I initially wanted to buy the Angel comics, but there are so many of them and they are difficult to find (and thus not cheap), so I gave up and bought ‘Fray.’ I might also have to buy ‘Much Ado About Nothing,’ which is a Shakespeare play filmed by Joss Whedon in his backyard. I MUST HAVE IT.
It was nice knowing you, money.
Other plans for this day include reading and more reading. I am currently reading the fifth ‘Game of Thrones’ book ‘A Dance with Dragons.’ It’s roughly the size of a brick, but addictive to read. I suspect my wrists will pay for the pleasure of reading it (like I said, it’s big) but I also suspect that it will be very much worth it.
My shift at work yesterday afternoon was pretty good. It was suspiciously quiet in the centre. At one point, the girl who works at the jewellery store across from the clothes shop I work at abandoned her post and came over for a chat. She spent the whole time anxiously looking back and forth, making sure that she wasn’t missing any opportunities for conversation in her store. Her appearance was funny, actually. Just before she walked over, Hannah (fellow employee) and I were discussing the mystery of whether our store manager was pregnant or not. It was the first time that the topic had come up and I was incredibly relieved to find that Hannah was as mystified as I was, because I had been worried that my manager had told everybody about her pregnancy except for me. Instead, I realise that she hasn’t told anybody and the other girls I work with are as uncertain about it as I am. Phew. Anyway, Hannah and I were in the middle of discussing this latest development when Sam (lady from jewellery store) walked up and asked us ‘Is somebody in your store pregnant?”
Hannah and I looked at each other and started laughing, disbelievingly. For weeks it seems, this topic hasn’t seen the light of day, but suddenly everyone seemed to want to talk about it. So, we discussed it for awhile, coming to the conclusion that she is most likely pregnant.
Eventually, we had to get back to work of course, but I’m glad that it’s out in the open now. What that means for us, I’m not sure. I’ve had my share of awful bosses and if my manager is replaced by one, I’m not going to stick around and hope things change by itself (an unfortunate and unsuccessful plan of action I have taken before).
If I have to leave the shop, it may give me the excuse I need to pursue a job in a book store (something that I have been wanting for a long time).
That’s all from me today, folks.

Back From the Dead!

Okay, so I wasn’t DEAD, but I was definitely close to it.

The last few weeks, I have been in an exam-stress-induced haze, a constant, never-ending cycle of exam-study-sleep-repeat.

Finally, the cycle is over. Finished. Ka-boom. (explosion sound effect)

I killed those mutha-effers! (referring to the exams)

Or, I hope I did. At any rate, they are donesies, gonzo, ka-put (spitting sound effect? honestly not sure)

So, now that that extremely stressful, heart rate increasing, acne-causing, ass-ache part of my life is OVER- I thought I’d get back to bizness!

Which means- sleeping through the night (AMAZING), reading for FUN (what a marvellous concept!) and dusting off my writing skills (May need a vacuum and a good spritz).

So, here I am. Ready for the writin’.

Ready to go back to my 2-3 posts a week.

Get used to seeing my face (or rather my display image) because it’s not going anywhere!

At least until my exams for Uni.



Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!


This is not an admirable goal, but…
I wish I had the talent to lie.
I know, I know- bad person alert.
I suck at lying.
I stammer, I ramble, I avoid eye contact. Basically every tell-tale sign that people exhibit when they lie, I exhibit.
I’m just not good at it.
And I wish I was.
Because you cannot tell me that the ability to lie effectively does not come in handy every now and then.
Even just white lies to save people’s feelings, for instance, “Yes, those jeans really do make your butt look smaller.” “That’s okay. I like tea without milk and sugar.” “Your car isn’t that messy. Everyone finds decomposed apples under the seat all the time.”
The ability to lie effectively seems particularly enticing this morning. I was just called and asked if I could work a shift in another town.
I didn’t particularly want to work today. Besides having a lot of studying to do, I just didn’t feel like spending a couple of hours travelling somewhere for a three hour shift and then a couple of hours travelling home.
So I lied.
I said I had to watch my little sisters.
If I had just left it at that, I probably would have gotten away with it.
Except I got flustered as I always do when I lie.
I went into hyper-explanation mode:
“I have to watch my sisters… because my mum went to Sydney to visit my Aunt and do an assignment for her course. Its school holidays so my sisters are at home and they’re too young to be by themselves. They were originally going to go with her, but the car was making a funny noise so she borrowed her friend’s car which doesn’t have as many seats so my sisters couldn’t go. I think they were happy about it, anyway.”
I said all of this at high-speed. Full-on rambling mode. I imagine the girl I was talking to was eager to get off of the phone.
As soon as she hung up, waves of guilt rolled over me. Not so much about not doing the shift, they can easily find someone else.
No, I felt bad for lying. I mean, really, couldn’t I have just said I have a lot of studying to do? Why did I have to concoct a big story?
Probably due to a combination of an overactive imagination and a guilty conscience.
So, I don’t think that I really got away with it. What I said was true by the way- all of that about my mum and sisters. The detail I failed to mention was that my dad happened to have the day off today, so it wasn’t necessary for me to stay home.
A lie mixed with truth.
I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that stinking mutt- I mean, guilty conscience!
I guess it’s not such a bad thing, now that I think about it.

Image credit:

I Feel Guilty

I have been a bit inactive this week on my blog. One post so far and it was something that I wrote years ago and decided to post in a fit of nostalgia.

In my defence, I have All-Important End-Of-Year Exams in less than a month.

Still, excuses, excuses…

After these exams, I will have so much free time. People tell me that I won’t know what to do with myself.

But I know exactly what to do.

Write! Post! Sleep! Dance like nobody’s watching!

I will do all of those things post-exams. I am literally counting down the days until sweet, sweet freedom.

Until then, I might just have to accept that fact that my blog will be a little lacklustre over the next few weeks.

I promise to try. My best posts are usually unplanned. I get a sudden idea or am suddenly inspired by a Daily Post Challenge.

Here’s hoping that inspiration strikes like a crazy thunderstorm over the next few weeks.

I’m going to carry around something metal, just in case.