The Elephant In the Room (or How I Learned to Live With Uncertainty)

So, I work at a women’s clothing store. I am a casual and I work roughly 4 shifts a week. The other days I devote to working on a university degree, reading and writing enthusiastically (most of the time).
My boss, the manager of the store I work in, seems to be pregnant. ‘Seems to be’ are the key words in that sentence. I have heard no confirmation from herself and or anyone else. The only clue I have in this mystery is her suspiciously protruding belly and the suddenly careful way she moves around, bends over etc.
I have had this suspicion for a few weeks now. After she got back from a week of annual leave which was followed by myself having a week off, I saw her for the first time in awhile. She looked like she was having a baby. Unfortunately, the words ‘baby,’ ‘pregnant’ or ‘nauseous’ haven’t left her lips even once. So I am not 100% certain of this fact.
And the uncertainty is making me a little crazy. It is the big, pink elephant in the room that I desperately want to kill. However, a part of me wants this elephant to live. Why? I am afraid of confirming my suspicion, because my boss will inevitably have to leave the shop. Even if she comes back after a few months, there will have to be a replacement manager. And that person could be horrible.
Maybe that seems a little pessimistic, but I have not had the best luck when it comes to bosses who are nice and sane. I thought that I had hit the jackpot after I started working with my current manager. She is nice, calm and not prone to psychotic fits of rage (long story). Who could ask for anything more?
So, I am worried about this baby bump. It could be the difference between me having a casual, generally stress-free job or being enslaved to a psycho dictator who spits when they yell (another long story).
The other girls I work with share my suspicions of our boss’ condition. However, they do not seem too concerned. Clearly, they haven’t had the same torturous experiences that I have had, but their casualness bewilders me. Don’t they care? This is a big deal.
Or is it? Am I worrying about nothing? I don’t know.
I do know that this so far unbreached subject between my manager and me is getting a bit ridiculous. I so badly want to get it out in the open. This thing between us; it makes for much awkwardness and I provide enough of that already (too much).
But even if I knew one way or the other- what can I do? Until the replacement manager turns up and I meet them, I won’t know how to proceed. I won’t know whether I should stick around or bolt as fast as I can.
I don’t like uncertainty. I like resolutions and schedules. Things written down and carefully laid plans are what I prefer. Not indecision.
I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see into the future. Will I need to start looking for another job? Would I be better sticking around? Will I regret having a cheese and tomato sandwich for lunch?
So many questions…
Screw it. I’m going to go lose myself in a book.


Zombie Child

For a long, long time, my eyes have been glued to the television screen. I guess you could call it an addiction. It’s something that I regret wasting many many hours doing, especially when I was younger.
Nowadays, I still watch a fair amount of television, but I try to regulate it. Only so many hours a day and so forth. I also try to avoid unnecessarily re-watching series and movies. That was a major time-suck of my childhood. I bet I watched the ‘Charmed’ series seven or eight times over. ‘The O.C’ was a (now embarrassing) obsession of mine. I watched it until the discs skipped and the packaging fell apart. Even ‘the Golden Girls,’ which is a series that I still love, I overdosed on it majorly when I was younger.
I regret not getting out of the house a bit more or even just reading and expanding my mind a bit more. Instead, I would go through days where I barely had to wake my brain up at all. What a waste. I guess the good thing is that I have come to this realisation. I no longer binge-watch to the extent of my childhood. I watch a much larger variety of shows and movies, but most importantly, I do a lot of other things too. I write. I read. I listen to music. I go outside every now and then. I experience life a lot more now than back then and for that I am grateful.

A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear younger me,
Ahem. Not quite sure what to tell you. I don’t want to give too much away; I wouldn’t want a ‘Back to the Future’ situation in which I alter the course of history unintentionally.
Or do I? I don’t know. I guess I have to think about it for a bit. Do I have regrets? Definitely. Who doesn’t?
I regret cutting off contact with my friends after moving away. Maybe that’s an extreme description. I have a vague memory of writing letters for a while, but we just petered out. I guess I regret not trying harder to maintain the friendships from my school years. It won’t be until a few years have passed and you discover Facebook that you will get the chance to be reacquainted however slightly through social media. So, I guess I want you to try harder. I know it’s difficult, I know we moved a lot and it seemed futile to fight for friendships when we would just move away again. However, at some point we stopped and we settled. But I still didn’t try to make friends. I don’t know if I forgot how to or what. I think I had trouble shutting off that instinct that told me not to get close to people because inevitably I would lose them. It is still something I struggle with today. Maybe if I had tried to overcome it sooner, I would have more friends today.
I’m having a little trouble with pronouns seeing as I am talking to myself. Or a younger version of me. *waves awkwardly*
What other wisdom do I want to impart? Hmmm…
Don’t give up on your high school certificate because of all the work you’ve got and all the money that comes rolling in. You will end up regretting it and going back when you’re older to complete it. It’s less embarrassing to just do it when you’re supposed to and who knows where I’d be today if I’d stayed on that track?
Like I said, pronouns= difficult when talking to me/you.
What else? What else…
Spend more time with your family. They will not always be around to take for granted. Same goes with your pets. The average lifespan of an animal is in no way a guarantee for how long you can expect them to live.
Forgive and forget. Grudges require anger and energy and negativity. It’s exhausting to hold them and frankly, that effort could be used much more productively.
*Scratches head*
Ok, here is a bullet point list for brevity’s sake:
• Read more. Don’t be embarrassed because it seems like no one else you know likes books.
• Write more. See above.
• Get out more. See the world and experience new things.
• Try to eat better and get more exercise. You’ll be stuck with your body for awhile (hopefully) so treat it better.

So, that’s it from me. I hope things go well for you. Who knows? If you take any of the above advice, my life now just might change (hopefully for the better).

New Experiences

The last time I did something completely new, never been done before (by me anyway) and out of my comfort zone was a few weeks ago when I went on holiday with my sister to Queensland. Since I live in NSW, we had to get there by plane. It had been years since I had been on a plane and I was quite nervous about getting back on one. However, most of my anxiety from that trip came from the fact that it was just me and my little sister going to another state. The last time I had gone o Queensland was by car and with the whole family. I wasn’t in charge; I didn’t have any responsibilities. This time around I had to keep an eye on my sister and make sure that we got around okay and generally survived the holiday.

It ended up being very fun and relaxing (most of the time). I am glad that I did it. Now I know I can travel alone, without the parents in the futures. 😉


Happiness looks like my dog.
Happiness is a room full of books and no price stickers. It’s the smell of coffee and sugar.
Happiness is a new outfit that fits great, is comfortable and looks good.
Happiness is sitting in my reclining couch after a nine hour shift and having an episode of Law and Order start right then and there on Foxtel.
Happiness is a new obsession.
Happiness is a high word count, a blank page filled and mucho satisfaction.
Happiness is inspiration. It’s an idea for a story scrawled incomprehensibly on a post-it.
Happiness is the smell of rain, a cup of tea and a stack of books.
Happiness is stationery; lined books, pens, highlighters, pencils, diaries and post-it notes. It’s a new calendar for a new year.
Happiness is an early mark at work.
Happiness is the young March sisters from ‘Little Women.’
Happiness is doing what I want and getting paid for it.
Happiness looks like uncontrollable laughter and smiles.
Happiness looks like a package addressed to me waiting on the doorstep.
Happiness is jumping up and down as Jack White scorches the stage in front of me. It’s watching the White Stripes perform ‘Jolene’ for the first time.
Happiness is a chat with a friend.
Happiness is Princess Leia’s dirty hands and Han Solo’s cockiness.
Happiness is cinnamon toast.
Happiness looks like the characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in a musical.
Happiness is a family gathering.
Happiness is coffee-flavoured ice-cream.
Happiness is a fast-moving internet connection.
Happiness is a trip to a coffee shop with the family.
Happiness is a tall, dark and handsome man who thinks that happiness looks like the above.
Happiness is napping in the sun along with my cat.
Happiness is my dog singing.
Happiness looks like a to-do list with everything on it crossed out.
Happiness is fresh air, a little sun and a nice breeze.
Happiness looks like a holiday. Trips to the pool, shopping sprees and exploring.
Happiness is my cat acting like he likes me.
Happiness is a movie theatre growing dark and getting quiet before the film starts.


5th January, 2014
I’ve got a cup of tea cooling just out of arm’s reach, so I will try to be quick. (Ha).
Today, I woke up (No shit, Sherlock) and got ready and got dropped off early at work. I started at 9:45, but I was there at 9, so I grabbed a (beautiful, life-affirming) coffee and sat in the back room of the store and read.
And read. (I’m reading ‘A Dance With Dragons’ which is the most recent book in ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ series.
I ended up reading quite a few chapters before I had to open the store. So, naturally throughout my whole 4 hour shift, I had strange sayings running through my head such as ‘Mummer’s farce.’ (Not quite sure what that means, beyond a joke).
Anyway, it was quiet at work. I had little in the way of customer interactions, which would have been great except my job for the day was tremendously boring and required little in the way of brain activity. I was itching for some human interaction when Hannah showed up early to my relief. She hung around a little, got coffee and chatted a bit before starting. I was glad for the company; I even stayed the extra hour that I didn’t have to if I chose not to. We shared amusing stories from the frontlines (by that I mean, the mosh pits of concerts and festivals). My experiences being more limited than hers, she mainly told the tales of being pushed, stepped on and glared at for being tall.
The last hour of work was quite leisurely and I was feeling pretty relaxed and somewhat sleepy by the time I left. My mum messaged me saying that my dad was going down the shops if I wanted a lift. Despite knowing that I would have to hang around for awhile if I accepted, accepted I did.
I bought a donut (cinnamon scroll-yummy in my tummy) to eat at home with a cup of tea and sat in front of Coles, waiting. Waiting turned into reading. My stomach grumbled noisily. Thankfully, the tales of Tyrion kept me pretty engrossed during the long wait for my dad to finish shopping. At some point, my hunger got the better of me and I bought a packet of plain chips from Coles to tide me over (they didn’t).
By the time we got home, I was pretty anxious to shove that donut down my throat but tea was required. After eating, I read for a while. Yes, more Game of Thrones and yes, the unique vocabulary of the novels is still lingering in my mind. I’m slightly afraid (and curious) to see if I will begin talking like a character from the series.
Well, I have a mug of tea and a biscuit with my name on it (not literally, the biscuit says ‘Scotch finger.’) Then I have to wave my arms around for a bit (exercise pshaw) and get some good sleep because I’ve got a long-ass shift tomorrow.


4th January 2014
A meh day today.
I worked 11-5 and it was quiet, so the shift seemed to drag a bit. Then when I got home, I realised that my sister had borrowed a top without asking. I vented to my mum for a bit and then got a message from my sister angry at me for being angry.
Such boring drama.
Anyway, I’m exhausted and burying my face in ‘A Dance of Dragons’ to cope with existing. This entry will have to be short and…. well, whiny I guess. Trying to turn things around. Think positive thoughts.
I’m about to have dinner! I’m going to watch Law and Order later! Yay- food and grisly murders!
And the day is saved.